So I have a new pet peeve which I think could lead to a huge business opportunity for one of our legions of readers — dudes and chapstick. While I understand that in the winter it gets cold and everyone does suffer from chapped lips, I get seriously creeped the fuck out when I see a dude put on chapstick. Like the thought of a guy even carrying chapstick grosses me out. I mean it looks like they’re putting on lipstick when they apply it and people tend to make this weird face when they put it on, just thinking about it makes me want to vomit. I was at a bar recently with a guy when apparently he could no longer deal with the cracking of his lips, he pulled out his chapstick but thanks my quick reflexes I was able to slap it out of his hand before he embarrassed both of us. There has to be a better way for men to deal with their chapped lips — for one, they could just step it up and be men and not give a shit or if they’re so delicate and ladylike and need to have chapstick, they need some super manly application device, like a blowtorch. Someone please get on this.
November 10, 2009
Dudes and Chapstick
October 15, 2009
Office Bathroom
Going to the bathroom at the office can be kind of annoying…and by bathroom I mean number two. Dumping…that’s number two…just to be real clear. You disappear for a while with no explanation, you have to somehow hide your reading material during your walk to the bathroom, the toilet seat covers never come out of that packet easily, etc. However, what makes it infinitely more annoying is when someone picks the stall right next to you to take their aggressive, soggy dump. There are six stalls, but somehow you want to sit right next to the one occupied by me. I understand that there tends to be a popular stall (usually farthest from the door and against the wall) and that if I’m in that one you may panic and go for the one right next to it, but stop for a second and give it some thought. Office bathrooms have a lot of echo so every squirt bounces around that room like we’re in a recording studio. So, give me at least a one stall buffer. Also, if you have to pee, use the urinal you woman. I don’t care if there’s someone using one of them already, stand next to him and use the other one. If not, I have to jump from toilet to toilet trying to find the one that doesn’t have crusty orange dots all over the seat. Ahhhh…to be at home and get fully naked and read a paper while you go to the bathroom…one of the many joys of not working.
October 6, 2009
The Office Wave
The best part about being at work (and obviously there’s hundreds and hundreds of reasons why being at work is awesome) is walking down the hall and watching everyone in a cubicle minimize their web browser. It’s the office equivalent of the wave. A minimizing domino effect. As people hear your footsteps approaching they rush to hide perezhilton.com. “Don’t worry Suzy, I have no idea what that bright pink site you just minimized was”. Facebook has also become very recognizable (social networking has become huge according to many published reports) which is a problem for me. I, however, have started to use a new tactic. I am now on a Mac so instead of having to quickly find that little line on the upper right hand corner of Internet Explorer all I have to do is swing the mouse to a corner of the screen. When you do that all windows become smaller (so that you can see all open applications for you Mac retards). Such a smooth move. I patented that so don’t use it without giving me credit. In the event that you are busted going through some girl’s pictures (always of her beach trip) leave it open. The only thing worse than being busted surfing the web is trying to hide it while the person watches. We all do it so have the balls to leave it up on your screen. Hopefully you’re just not on the classic TMZ photo gallery of Kim Kardashian’s butt.
October 5, 2009
Making Friends with Strangers
So I’ve lived in New York for 6 years and I’ve always heard these mythical stories of people making friends on the subway. I never understood how this happened, if I ever accidentally make eye contact with someone on the subway, I walk to the opposite end of the car and get off at the next stop. Well it finally happened to me and I can honestly say it’s one of the weirdest fucking experiences I’ve ever had. So this guy asks me on the platform if the train goes to Penn Station, I tell him that’s where I’m going so he can just follow me. As far as I’m concerned our encounter is now over, I didn’t plan to hold his hand on the way there but we get on the train and he calls me over because he saved me a seat. Turns out we’re going to the same concert at the Meadowlands, this generates 2-3 minutes worth of conversation but then utter silence. Now its just completely awkward. I feel like I’m on a date and I need to keep talking. Which I do. But the whole time I”m thinking “shit, what happens when we get to Penn Station, do we separate? do I have to guide him to his destination? will he call me after?” So now I’m walking through the massive crowds at Penn Station awkwardly trying to not lose this stranger who I don’t know wondering if I should just hold his hand while crying on the inside about how awkward this is. To make a long story short, I ran into the friend I was meeting causing for an even more awkward moment where we abruptly had to part ways and I haven’t seen him since. Fortunately I’ve seen enough Sandra Bullock movies to know that we’ll run into each other again one day, either in a high speed car chase or on “The Net”.
October 2, 2009
Why date one girl when you can hook up, like, with a bunch?
I just received an invite for a birthday party where the last line is:
I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom from Sebastian of the Bravo channel’s NYC Prep: “Why date one girl when you can hook up, like, with a bunch? … If you go out to enough parties, you can hook up with between two and 16 girls in a month.”
Now, I haven’t been watching this show but I think maybe I should. These dudes are clearly wise beyond their years. They have the basic theory down; as with anything in life, hooking up is all about upping the odds. If you hit on enough girls a certain percentage will fall. However, I do worry about the very wide range of hooking up that happens in a month. Two girls for a New York city kid means they’re a giant loser. The fat kid that always wears an Iron Maiden t-shirt gets that. Sixteen, on the other hand, is pretty baller. That’s like every other night. Or I guess in this case every other day cause they must be getting it on in school if it’s that frequent. The only thing I do need to know is what hooking up means. It’s just like the never ending “bases” debate. For Sarah first base is includes the letters H and J (because she’s from New Jersey).
September 30, 2009
Waving Cats
Can anyone explain to me the waving cat statue that every Chinese place in the city has? Is it a religious thing or more like a flag signifying that “Chinese people work here”. I used to think that the waving cat was a sign that the place was really a happy ending boutique because you typically see it in the window of ”massage parlors” or “nail” places but then I noticed that it’s everywhere — restaurants, delis, basically it’s anywhere that Chinese people seem to be. Like if I get on the bus and it’s full of Chinese people there is one of those cats sitting next to the bus driver. Ok, not that bad, but for reals, at my local Taco spot which ironically is owned and operated by all Chinese people, they have a waving cat on the counter, I should probably just ask them what it’s all about but I don’t really feel like sitting through the explanation, I just want my chorizo tortillas. Oh and I don’t want to hear that I’m a racist or anything, it’s an honest question, I’m just curious, I think I’m going to get one regardless.
September 24, 2009
Your Guy is Gay
I just came across this list called “9 Signs a Guy is a Keeper”, I think this never made it through editing because it should be called “9 Signs a Guy is Gay”. You decide for yourself..but if “my guy” called my mom to tell her about my promotion before I did, I would out him as gay and then whoop his ass.
September 9, 2009
Fake Cigarettes
So I’ve known about these for a while but lately they’re really blowing up, fake cigarettes. I’m not talking about those candy cigarettes I used to “smoke” when I was 5 (how messed up was that now that I think of it) or something that looks like a real cigarette, no, these things are short, plastic little tubes that apparently have some sort of flavoring in them. Oh and most importantly they’re completely ridiculous looking and you’re a total jackass if you have one. Apparently if you’re trying to quit smoking these will help you get your fix because it’s something to hold like a cigarette and puff on — if you don’t mind looking like a complete tool. I was at a restaurant yesterday and there was a couple both “smoking” their fake cigarettes. They never put them down the whole time they were eating and were sucking on them the whole time like they were crack, I was fully embarrassed for them. Personally I think it may just be better to risk the effects of smoking (awesomeness) rather than embarrassing yourself and your loved ones by announcing to the world that you’re such a nicotine addict that you can’t just quit you have to carry these loser sticks around. What’s wrong with smoking anyway, is it bad for you? Did I miss something?
August 31, 2009
Haggling — Part Deux
I don’t know if you people know about this but apparently haggling over prices is all the rage these days. I know what you’re thinking: “it always has been, I’ve striken deals with street vendors in Prague and the drug dealer in Washington Square park hundreds of times.” But no, I’m talking about at stores. Like when you stop by the Home Depot or maybe do a little Bed Bath & Beyond, you can show up and try and strike a deal. You may not be able to say “I’ll give you five bucks for this portable bidet” but you can try and get a two for one deal or try and get the 10% that is on the non-portable bidet applied to the portable one. Over 30 percent of Americans have reported negotiating a price on a recently purchased item. I’m worried I found out about this too late though. If things start to pick up it’s probably all over. It’s back to exclusively haggling with street vendors and drug dealers. On a related note, less likely to go out of style is getting free food by complaining that your food is cold. Go to McDonald’s, order fries, eat half of them, and then tell someone the rest got cold. Bang, brand new full order of fries. You’re welcome.
